But it makes me difficult to be around…

Being trustworthy is difficult. While contemplate this statement I better understand the deeper meaning of a saying I once heard from a colleague well I was working in a machine shop after I made a mistake. You see, leading up to the mistake, I had worked for this machine shop for a month. While working there I had been incredibly helpful, made many other workers jobs easier and had done an amazing job. Then, I made a mistake. After the mistake I was told one “awe shit” deletes 1000 “Atta Boy’s”. Being trustworthy means you can’t fail in anyway.

That is the standard that I set for myself. No one else in the world sets that for myself and it is my expectation. This standard I set drives me bonkers. I know that it’s unrealistic. I know that it’s not fair. I know that I can never achieve that goal. I still have that goal for myself anyway.

I don’t ever want to cause pain or disappointment to the people whom I love. I know that I have and I except this disappointment. I know that I will again cause pain and disappointment to those I love; I apologize.

I do not buy into the idea of failure being “the best I can do” and that somehow it is okay and acceptable to fail. Forever, I will lament my numerous failures. I do not ask for forgiveness, sympathy, understanding, or even empathy. It is a personal defect that I know I live with.

Throughout the past year or so I have given much thought to who I am as a whole, as an individual and as member of the community. What I have come to realize is that I am who I have always thought I was; myself. As my tattoo of Popeye says “EYAMWHATETAM” (I felt it appropriate to include his speech impediment in the tattoo. I chose this to be on my arm because I am not going to apologize for who I am to myself.

Being trustworthy to me means that I will do whatever I can for the people whom I care for and will not a lapse in my love for them. Does this stretch me thin at times? Yes. However, if I were not to be stretched thin I would not respect the time that I have to give to others. I know that it’s not healthy to live this way but there is a trade-off. If I am addicted to helping others then I will not have time for other vices.